Hi PC friends, today I'll tell the story of my first gay crush and my first kiss!
Well, I am a girl, and right now I'm 18, but I met my crush when I was around 15, and started liking her when I was 16-17 years old.
We'll call the girl A, she and I were very good friends and we'd spend a lot of time together, at the time I developed the crush she didn't know what her sexuality was, she wasn't sure.
I had to be that gay trope and get a crush on my best friend and I was suffering.
I suffered a lot, I worried a lot, I was anxious all the time and I hated it with a passion, but I decided to tell her anyways because I cannot keep my mouth shut for any amount of time.
Boy, did I mess up.
I was rejected, it was painful, she hit me with the "we're still friends" thing, so I did what I felt like I needed to and I distanced myself, we still spoke but not a lot,
I'm sure I hurt her but if I wanted to regain some sense of self I had to do it.
Fast forward, every time we hung out it was always with a group, I was very defensive all the time and for me it was very hard. Then, on December we went to celebrate a friend's 18th birthday at a club (18 us the legal age for alcohol consumption here in my country),
I had alcohol, music and wanted to party.
Now, when I drink I know what I'm doing but also I don't really care what I'm doing, and I always remember what I do and say.
It was around 1 am, and A was there and she was drunk as hell, I was dancing and so was A, and we sat down on a table and we started talking and she told me that she would've given me a chance, that we should go out, that she was tired of being lonely and one thing let to another and we kissed.
I am innocent TM and it was a peck, and she texted me on her phone "we should go on a date" so she wouldn't forget about it and I was buzzing.
I was glowing in my drunk state of mind, I was flying. I couldn't believe it, I still can't because now I look back at the memory and I feel shame and sadness on how dumb I was.
We kissed two more times that night and then the next morning I woke up terrified, I was scared and anxious, about to cry at everything when one of my friends who knew about everything told me to go for it and ask her out.
And I did! I asked if she was serious about going out despite being drunk as fuck, I'd take her to the movies (and I, being dumb, was already flying high with expectations on what I'd wear, what we'd see, where to take her to eat).
A answered me: "I don't know if I was serious, let's forget about it. We're still friends." I felt Icarus-ed.
I felt terrible. I felt like a dumbass because I already had told all my friends about my excitement.
It really is one of my worst moments.
I got hit with the friends thing TWICE (JUST LIKE TT), at this point in time she knows she's not straight, and twice have I screwed up.
I'm still crushed, I'm still sad but I'm trying to move forward but it is hard.
Kids, put your energies into someone who sees your worth, and likes you with no conditions (and no alcohol!!). Everyone who has been in my position, any advice would be great. If you feel my struggles, share yours too with me.
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