I am very, very, very insecure of my appearance. It's a bit pathetic, but for some reason, I can't help it. When I was in elementary, I had a really big crush on this boy. I was in the library one day and his friend asked, "Do you like op? I heard she likes you." He didn't know I was there so he replied, "No way, she's so ugly!" Ever since then my self-esteem was so low. I realized I was ugly and people bullied me for my looks. I got severely depressed to the point that I honestly wanted to kill myself. Even my mom swore at me and called me ugly. She sort of dislikes ugly people. The teachers also swore at me. I couldn't breathe sometimes. It was very hard for me. Past-forward to high school - I had a friend who genuinely believed in me and encouraged me. I tried to improve my looks. By the time, I was a junior, I suddenly became prettier (not SUPER pretty but my looks improved). It was such a difference. Everyone was kind to me. I was the teachers' favorite, guys asked me out, and people admired me. My family became kind to me as well. But I was still unsatisfied with my looks. Of course, I'm in my 20s now and all of that is in the past, but I have such a big inferiority complex about my looks. I'm not super pretty. I have so-so proportions and my body is not sexy. I'm not ugly, but not super pretty. I'm aware that looks aren't the most important and I see people who are happy and successful regardless of their looks. But the thing is, I feel like my physical appearance is in the way of how I'm living my life. When I got into university, I discovered makeup and wore it everyday. I couldn't go swimming or do sleepovers because that means people will have to see me barefaced. I've never talked to any guy I was interested in because I was not pretty enough and I would probably be rejected because of that. I'm awkward and can't be friendly because of my looks. I've never date either. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. What if he starts disliking me when I reveal my true form? I feel that no one would actually love me to be honest. By the way, I'm not worried about my personality. I'm kind, hardworking, and sensible. I'm confident that I'm a good person, but my visuals are lacking so I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy my life. Honestly, everyone around me is super good-looking. It's either I get plastic surgery or just accept my appearance. But as someone who has experienced severe lookism, it's hard for me to accept it. I feel like I need to be pretty to make the most out of life. And for some reason, I think this rule only applies to me. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. What should I do?
Have a story? Share it here!
0 comments:
Post a Comment