I deal with something called Trichotillomania. It's a body-focused repetitive behavior where I pull my hair out constantly (and impulsively) whenever I'm anxious or stressed. Sometimes I pull without even knowing. I've had it for about 8 years now and I'm finally terrified. I used to be able to handle this disorder for a really long time. I used to pull out my eyebrows, eyelashes, and scalp hair, but I've been able to reduce it to just my scalp. Which is great, but it's the hardest to hide. It never went away, but when I was leaving high school things were looking up. I had no bald spots and a strong amount of growth. So much that for the first time in forever I was able to get my hair cut. I graduated highschool being able to toss my cap in the air, unafraid of people seeing my head. However, after getting a job and starting University last year its only gotten worse. I'm constantly pulling. It never ends and I'm absolutely ashamed of myself. The bald patches are severe. I can't even wear my hair in a half up type of style anymore. I can only wear tight buns and ponytails which give me migraines all day long. I haven't even washed my hair in a while and my dandruff is getting so nasty. I keep telling myself that washing with water and coconut products only makes it better, but I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to look at it and I don't want to see my parents shame. They don't understand what this disorder is and just keep telling me to go to therapy, but I don't have the money for it. My parents will lament on how thick and pretty my hair used to be and now I look like that doll from rugrats. I'm so disgusted with myself. It's so shameful and I'm tired of hating myself. I want to have bangs and wear space buns and dyed my hair and not be ashamed of being 20 and practically bald. I really don't even know why I'm sending this in. I managed not to pull today, but maybe if everyone encourages me I can keep going and get back where I was. I can come back here and read the good comments of people cheering me on and maybe I can get through this. Please please don't be disgusted by this. I know it's gross, but the last thing I need is to know everything I've been saying to myself is right.
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