(sorry of the following post is a bit long!) Essentially what the title says. . . I recently turned 20 and I STILL want to be an idol. I’m pretty disappointed with myself because I really thought I’d grow out of this childhood dream by now. So for a bit of background, I’ve been into K-pop since I was around 10-11 and that’s around the same time when I aspired to be an idol. Up until that point I didn’t have any future aspirations – I never thought about what I wanted to be when I grew; the only thing that concerned me was having fun day by day. I just didn’t think about it until K-pop. Seeing that I’m here sharing this story, it’s preeettty obvious that nothing ever came from my aspirations lol. Although I had taken piano lessons (and played flute+joined choir) I wasn’t musically gifted (that label was mostly reserved for my sister). I disliked practicing piano and didn’t show much interest in music in general. I think my parents considered me the daughter skilled in physical arts, like drawing and painting. This overall lack of a musical background immediately hindered me in pursuing my dream. I had no confidence in my singing skills, due to never exploring my singing voice and never hearing any compliments on my voice when I had sung. Furthermore, my parents didn’t support my vision, probably seeing it as a stubborn childish dream. (Didn’t help that the people from my church told me I should be watching Korean variety shows and following K-pop so much. . . smh) Fast forward to high school, when I had just moved to a city that was a 40-ish minute drive to LA, aka close enough to attend SM’s weekly auditions. I gave my dad hell begging and demanding for permission to go down and audition. At that point, I had mostly resigned myself to the reality that I’d live a normal life, and I thought that attending the audition would give me closure. A chance to say ‘I never made it, but at least I tried by auditioning,’ therefore completely ending my dream. Long story short, I didn’t pass lol, and although I was never able to let go of my dream, I tried my damn best to convince myself and everyone else I was over it. Like I said earlier, I never had any job aspirations when I was young, and as soon as I was ‘over’ being a K-pop idol I was back to square one. My junior year of high school I thought of becoming a pharmacist, then scrapped the idea when I realized I a) hate chemistry and b) really suck at it. So by the time college apps came around, I applied mostly as undecided. (I’m currently in my second year of college as an undeclared/undecided major with no idea what to declare as, go figure.) I never realized how much my silly dream has affected my life until last quarter. . . It suddenly hit me that ohmygod I was turning 20 soon and I had wasted 9 years of my life chasing after an impossible dream. Even worse, the only reason that dream became impossible was because I never put in the necessary effort to make it a reality. ‘I’ll practice tomorrow.’ ‘I’ll do it after I do some more research.’ ‘Ugh I’m so busy I’ll do it this weekend.’ All the excuses I made amounted to nearly a decade of sloth, inactivity, and wishful thinking. Despite trying to put my dream behind me, I could never ever forget it, and still ended up shaping my thoughts, life, and hopes around it. And with nothing to show for it. It affected me so much that I lost all motivation to attend my classes. I put forth minimal effort to complete assignments on time and completely bombed all my midterms. All I did was eat, surf the Internet, go to work, shower, and sleep, doing the same thing day in and day out. I finally broke down in the middle of finals week when I was up late studying. I sat down on my couch and just started crying. Which might sound trivial, but I rarely experience extreme forms of emotion, and when I cry it's normally due to anger - never sadness. So yeah, I was absolutely distraught. I cried in the shower several times over winter break after I received an email that I was subject to being dismissed from my university due to my poor academic performance. Essentially it felt like my whole life had fallen apart in the span of 3 months. And here I am now. Somehow I became more optimistic once winter quarter started. I became determined to incorporate music into my life in some way. I’ve started taking vocal lessons, and I plan on bringing my keyboard back next time I visit home so I can relearn piano. I’ve also started to take learning Korean more seriously (I’ve been learning on and off since high school) and have been trying to lose the lbs. But deep down I know it’s just me trying to give my dream another (legit) shot at success. It’s laughable. The odds are totally against me, and I highly doubt I will ever be anything more than an average office worker. But I can’t help it! I hate that I’m so dependent on the stupid dream of a 10 year old. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking anything will come from my efforts because I’m so used to being disappointed and being mundane. I don’t know what to do with myself. . . I feel so pathetic. I’m 20. Still young, but old enough that I should know better than to wish for things that can’t and won’t come true. I just. . . I’d really appreciate you guy’s feedback. From strangers on the Internet. Because of course, all my friends will only say they support me and I can do it. But I think I need a strong dose of reality or really good advice to help myself feel settled. Thanks so much if you took the time to read all this *_*
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