Tuesday, June 12, 2018

[twenties stories] WHEN I THINK ‘IT WOULD BE NICE IF I JUST DIED RIGHT NOW’

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I don’t know where I should write in order to ask for advice… there are so many categories, so in the end, I just decided to write in the 20’s stories.


I’m a girl in my late twenties.
There were a lot of moments throughout my life when I felt happy but I always thought ‘I’m just living life as is’.

But if someone asks me ‘until when do you want to live?’, I would say ‘I would want to die in my 50’s’.
It’s not because I’m not happy with my life, I just don’t feel the reason why I should live on longer.


In April, I was leading a pretty busy life (I almost had no day to rest) and nowadays, I’ve been feeling weird.

When something good happens to me (by ‘something good’, I mean when I feel happy, whether I listen to good music, or if the weather is nice and that I see people with a happy look, etc..), I just feel that ‘ah it would be nice if I just died right now’..


I don’t have any earnest desire to live, it’s not that I want to die.
Usually, at the moment I feel good or happy, I suddenly would get these thoughts, I really don’t know why.


Moreover… I’ve become so forgetful.


I’m someone who teaches others but nowadays, I always forget my words. I can never find the right words and I have trouble expressing myself… the thing I say the most nowadays is “how can I explain this…”


When I move from my wardrobe to the living room, I carry my phone with me. But then after I spend some time in the living room, I lose my phone. I know that I took it when I left my wardrobe but I just lose all the memories of it as soon as I enter the living room… so then I look for my phone everywhere… but then in the end, I would find it randomly on the sofa table…


These forgetful moments almost never occurred to me until recently.
I was always the one that was thorough and on top of everything. I don’t know where my mind went.


Even though I somewhat have emotional tendencies, I’ve never thought that I had depression.
But recently, because of all these thoughts, I feel like there must be an issue somewhere. I just want to cry…


Today during class, my chalk fell.
I was explaining something important to the students so I said that I was gonna pick it up later. Then after 10~15 minutes, the students were solving the problem. Then my mind went blank again and I was asking “where did my chalk go? What..? where did it go?” and my students said “teacher… you just dropped it and said that you were gonna pick it up”…


I’m open to go to the hospital or for counselling.
I feel like I must go.
If you guys have any recommendations, please let me know…


post response:
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original post: here

ㅇㅇ |2018.06.12 19:27 신고하기
I think that I understand your feeling. You feel like a part of your brain fell somewhere and so you always blank out but you don’t know where it went
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ㅇㅇ |2018.06.12 17:08 신고하기
We can’t disregard the fact that you might be covering your depression with a pseudo-dementia. You should go see a neuropsychiatrist instead of a psychologist
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ㅡㅡ |2018.06.12 17:39 신고하기
I think that you have depression…
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ㅇㅇ |2018.06.12 20:45 신고하기
One of the typical symptoms of depression is memory loss
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나 |2018.06.12 19:12 신고하기
Go to the hospital~ I’ve heard before that people have more suicidal thoughts when it’s sunny outside than when it’s cloudy. For example, when the weather looks depressing and that a lot of people are watching, you kinda feel that it doesn’t look peaceful (?) so then you will want to make things look more peaceful… please get treatment
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