Wednesday, May 23, 2018

[PC stories/twenties stories] I FEEL LIKE I FAILED MY LIFE

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I'm a woman in my early 20s. When I was younger I was interested in art, and literature. My parents, or my mother mostly, had always asked me to be a doctor, while my father kept saying I could take whatever path that I want as long as it makes me happy. In high school I took the science class (the classes were divided to science and social studies classes), all because I was so bad in social studies. In my senior year I secretly applied for Applied Art Major, without my parents knowing. I applied in two universities, and I was accepted in both with scholarship, but then my mother was so against it. She laughed at my drawings, my paintings, saying I wont have any future with those. Then my father asked me if its really promising to be in art major since no one in my family ever gone to one. He also said I spent three years studying science and that I would waste all those knowledges if I took the art major. My 17 yo self was feeling betrayed here and there, moreover because I also doubted myself. Then I told them I would apply for literature instead of art, my father was actually so happy about that, but my mother laughed at me again. She asked me whether I ever succeeded published my story (No..), or poems (no..), then she told me I would have no future in literature since I was all behind other people who had succeeded doing all those. I was really frustrated, then my brother gave me an advice, that I should take biology, agriculture, or forestry because from his observation I have potential on those. So I applied for agriculture in one of the most famous uni in my country, I took the written test and I got in. My mother was so happy that she cried about it, while my father said he's happy but he's actually worried since my health was not quite good. Now I'm in my last year of uni, while I'm writing this there are boxes of seeds right across my room waiting to be planted for my research. But tbh, I feel so stupid. I miss my drawings, my paintings, my stories. I have tried to forget them all and focus but these days I look back and I realized I have betrayed my younger self. She who never gave up writing stories and novels all night and sent them and though they never got in she was still happy. She whose room was full of drawings and paintings, sketchbooks and canvas on her cupboard, brushes and colorings on her desk.... she was happy, I was happy. But now I'm devastated. I feel like this is just not my way, I feel like I have no future in this, my brother who promised to guide me chose to move to other country, got married and left my family. My father will retire this year so I have to graduate this year so I dont have to pay the tuition again. My mother is still the same but older. I have to graduate but I feel like I will mess up my research, I feel like I will mess everything up. I'm scared. My health kept decreasing too in the past 4 years and my father had spent a lot of money for my treatments and medication. Even my research supervisor had compromised due to my health and gave me a simple project of hers but until now I cant even do it well. I feel like I'm such a failure for myself and other people. Sometimes I even thought it will be better if I died so my parents wont have to watch me fail and they dont have to pay for my health problems again. I ride motorcycle to my uni and sometimes I thought what if I let myself got run over by a car or a truck, or should I just speed up and hit the tree? But what if I dont die and only give my parents more hospital fees? Even if I graduate, I have no dream anymore. My grades are just average, not good not bad. But with how difficult it is to get a job these days, I probably cant get any job. So I have to get master degree. But hearing how my bestie already had all her master research on plan while I havent, I feel like I will fail again. I'm such a failure. I dont know what to do anymore. My friend told me today that I should try to let it flow, but I dont even know how to make it flow.

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