Friday, March 9, 2018

[PC stories/teen stories] MY SISTER'S SHADOW

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Ever since I was little, I have had veeery similar tastes to my older sister (2 years older than me). I liked a lot of the music she listened to (in fact, I found my bias group, VIXX, through her music playlist) I liked wearing my sister’s clothes rather than mine, we both liked reading. One big thing was I liked watching my older sister draw, and I would try and copy what she drew. I grew up respecting my sister’s art skills, and I tried my best to draw on my own as well. My sister’s elementary teachers all liked her a lot, because she was creative, smart, quiet, and hardworking. I ended up having a lot of the same teachers that she did, mostly because the teachers were assigned by test scores. The teachers liked comparing us (in good fun, no harsh feelings) because we seemed so similar. The only thing I could take pride in in being better/different than my sister was that I was better than her at math, and that I was more energetic and outgoing. Starting from junior high was when the gap between us grew, because my sister got into the basically best school (grades 7-12) in our state, which you had to take a test for. I tried for that school too, and I failed the exam, so I ended up going to a pretty less than average junior high, losing my motivation to study, while my sister stayed up late every night to get straight A’s. I tried two more times, and finally got in on the third and last time possible to get in. Again, my sister was pretty well liked. At this point, I started hating school and I had lost a lot of my social skills because of some friendship issues I had during junior high. Luckily I found a good group of friends among some other girls who had entered late as well. I never stood out in my classes or among my peers. My sister was in Advanced Placement Studio Art (the highest level) in her senior year. She was very advanced at this point, especially for someone who had never taken art classes before. She wanted to go to art school, but our parents, being Asian, told her to focus on the medical field. I basically had a mental breakdown the next year in my junior (3rd) year and I decided with my mom’s help I would go to art school in order to be happy. My mom let my sister drop out of college half a year later so that she could enter art college and acheive her dreams as well. I am now a high school senior in the same advanced art class as my sister was. We’re required to make 24 complete pieces by the end of the year. I’m having a difficult time because I never learned the basic skills or techniques (the art teacher never taught us properly). I just threw away a piece that I spent 3+ hours on because I completely messed up. This is the third time it’s happened in a month. I haven’t finished any art pieces since 2 months ago. I’m too scared(?)/frustrated to pick up even a pencil at this point, and I spent 10 minties crying in my pillow. I don’t have enough pieces done, and my teacher is making me showcase my art in one of the school hallways next month. Meanwhile, my sister is taking art classes and doing really well; she is enjoying time with friends, having fun, etc. I love and respect my sister and all, but seeing her do so well on her own makes me feel even more frustrated with myself and my lack of growth, not just in art, but in every category. I can’t even gather the courage to text a friend about how I feel, and I still feel like giving up on studying. Now there is nothing I feel confident about, whether it’s studies, social life, or any skills. I feel like a watered down version of my sister, as if I’m just imitating her. It’s getting to the point where I wonder if I should stop pursuing art, especailly considering how expensive art school is, and how little money our family has. Nobody is really comparing us, but the pressure to achieve what my sister has is rotting my self esteem. At this point, I don’t want/care about anyone else’s compliments, I just want to be able to reassure myself that I’m fine, but it’s pretty hard. Sorry for the long rant~ (*´ー`*) Stay happy, work hard, and have a nice day!

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